I was on a stag-night on Saturday night in Perth. Perth does not seem like an obvious choice of venue for a stag night. There are no strip-clubs in Perth. My friends studied this question in great detail.
Due to the strip-club famine we had to amuse ourselves in other ways. We did this with alcohol as it is cheap, legal and widely available. Some of my mates started drinking on Friday but as a responsible adult I only got there on Saturday afternoon just in time to crash a hovercraft and fall out of it. I also got the chance to see my 6 foot tall 15 stone mate walking about a field in a dress.
After that all Perth could offer us was alcohol. I'm not sure exactly how much I drank. I lost count at 10 pints. I wasn't drinking as much as my mates. I've never been to Perth before and I don't think I'll be there again. The town centre is nice and for some reason (possibly alcohol) we saw a lot of attractive women. The place was also full of neddy bams (scum if you don't live in Scotland) who looked a bit violent but we managed to avoid any trouble.
After about 10 hours of drinking in various dodgy night clubs we stumbled back to the hotel bar only to find that we were in the presence of pop stars. Justin Currie from Del Amitri and Edie Reader were having a drink with some other musicians in the bar. One of my mates, who is generally rather polite, went up to say hello to Mr Currie and declare his admiration for the music of Del Amitri. Currie rather rudely told him to 'fuck off'.
There was also a wedding party from Falkirk in the hotel bar. They had a guitar and they were blasting out Oasis songs in the bar. They were about as drunk as us and for the most part they were friendly. Slightly neddy, but friendly.
Apart from Raymo. Raymo (not RaymonD) looks like the result of a pig fucking a gorilla. Raymo is angry. He kept trying to fight folk. His wife kept crying and looking generally distressed. Raymo reminded me of the Incredible Hulk (Raymo Smash!). Only less green. He kept threatening my friends but luckily nothing actually kicked off.
So we kept drinking and playing guitar. Some of us played songs badly whilst drunk. One of the musicians at the Currie table came over and joined in. His name was Stuart Nisbet (I think) and he had played with The Proclaimers, Del Amitri and Pink Floyd. He played a few songs for us - Elvis, Witchita Linesman, Johnny Cash and seemed to be a generally good guy.
Justin Currie however was a monster. He was very drunk and just generally acting like a twat. He managed to knock over tables of beer on two separate occasions, at one point showering a Falkirk bridesmaid with booze. He also seemed to think that he was both more intelligent and more important than anyone else in the room. Everyone is entitled to an opinion I guess. He kept swearing and lecturing people about how they were 'singers' or 'not singers'.
It was kinda funny. My mates have videotaped him and I hope the result will be up on youtube soon.
Currie had a major personality clash with the Falkirk bridesmaid. They kept swearing at each other and generally making lots of noise. This kept us all amused until the inevitable face-off between Raymo and Currie.
Raymo kill!
It's hard to tell what lit the fuse of Raymo. Raymo probably doesn't even know cos Raymo is a cock. But Raymo decided he was going to eat Justin. Justin was also sure that he would be able to take Raymo in a fair fight. Neutral observers felt that Raymo would be triumphant but that both of them were arseholes.
Justin was just about to kick Raymo's ass when he tried to take off his jacket and got his arms stuck. Raymo was restrained by the Falkirk bridesmaid sitting on him. Justin must have had a reality check in a moment of sobriety because he ran away to escape Raymo. Raymo later managed to get himself thrown out of the hotel by threatening to assault the manager.
Raymo thick!
I stumbled to my bed at about six or seven. I had a great night but I'm sure I've damaged myself with alcohol. Don't drink kids, it's bad. If Justin Currie ever reads this page my message to him would be 'be nicer to people'. He was acting like a total cunt. If Raymo reads this page I'd be shocked. I don't think Raymo can read.
In the morning we were talking about taking out an ad in the 'Announcements & Weddings' local newspaper in Falkirk or Bonnybridge saying 'Raymo is a pussy' (with the hotel name and date to help identify him to his friends) but it would probably be too much effort. It would be fucking funny if someone did it though.
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